Life

We had our lives all planned out:

We got married young and we planned on trying to have kids pretty quickly after we got married. As you know, we had problems with that.

Our dream has always been to be full time missionaries. Greg worked really hard in college to learn Spanish so that we could make that dream a reality. Here we are, still in the states. So far we still have no open doors for our mission work.

Greg found a really awesome job that is very difficult to get. He started the process and we are still waiting on the next steps.

Greg started the process to be an Oklahoma City Police Officer to help as a stepping stone to get us some missionary work. We have been working on that process since basically December only to be turned down today, 8 months later. He has turned down other job opportunities and put everything on hold so that he could have this job, and apparently it was for nothing.

My heart is feeling really heavy right now. Greg is incredibly brilliant! He has a degree from a great college, he is fluent in two languages, and he is so passionate about life. I have never met anyone more hardworking than him. He deeply cares about his family and about people in general.

We want the best for our children. We want to be able to raise them in a loving environment, where they learn a lot and get the most out of life. To do that, we have decided it would be best for me to stay at home. I could be a stay at home mom while Greg works to provide for us. Now, this isn't looking like a possibility.

It is incredibly difficult knowing exactly what we want from life and getting none of it. We have all these huge plans, and we know that some of them are ridiculous, and maybe completely irrational, but it would be nice if something would fall into place for us.

Yes, we have a beautiful baby girl on the way, but now how are we going to give her the best life possible? How can we provide for her both emotionally and physically? It seems we can only do one at a time.

I desperately try to wait patiently for God. I need to be confident that he has a plan for us, but it is becoming so difficult. At what point do you completely stop trying to make things work your way and give it to God? I feel like if we don't put any effort in, than we will have no options. God doesn't exactly work that way-things don't typically just fall in your lap. What are we doing wrong? Greg has been so great about pursuing anything that looked promising, even if it wasn't what he wanted. He is working 2 jobs right now completely unrelated to his degree.

I want to say that I am not complaining. We are 22 years old, we own a house, a nice car, and we can currently support Kris financially. God has blessed us in numerous ways.  This just isn't where we thought we'd be by the time she got here. Rather than questions being answered, we are more confused than ever. Doors just keep shutting in our faces with the supposed open doors hiding somewhere.

I am not asking for pity, or even really advice. Just prayers. Please pray for our patience through this. Pray for open doors and for our hearts to be open to change. Pray that we can give up all plans to walk with the Lord and that we can see a purpose for where we are in life right now, and where we will be in the coming months. I am terrified of what the future holds.