Blessed

I have been feeling awfully blessed today. My husband and I have a house, one good car, and one car that functions most of the time, we have 4 beautiful pets that keep us busy, we have amazing friends, we have an outstanding church, and we have each other.

I often times get caught up in my own self pity. I wonder why we tend to focus more on the bad than on the good. Why are we so blind to all of the good all around us?

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
1 Thessalonians 5:18

This verse is hard to swallow. Give thanks in all circumstances? I don't naturally feel thankful for the trials I go through, but I do understand that in everything, God has a purpose for me. For some reason, though I can't see it now, the pain I am going through is for a purpose. I am thankful that God knows me by name and knows my hurt. I am thankful that He has a purpose in all of this.

Secret Sisters

In our women's group at church, we have started a secret sister program. It is not a typical secret sister's program where there are gifts involved, it is simply for encouragement. We are supposed to send our sister letters of encouragement at least once a month.

We were given 'about you' forms to fill out when we started this. The forms asked us several things, like favorite color, song, etc. Then it asked us more intimate things like current prayer needs, ongoing prayers and people we ask that others would pray for.

I have an awesome secret sister. I have no idea who she is! My first card was on my chair at church and when I open it, it reads,

"It can happen any moment,

it can happen anywhere-

We don't know it,

but somebody

is remembering us in prayer."

It made me tear up. I love this. It is so personal to my life, and what is going on right now. I feel like my secret sister knows me, and knows the things that are in my heart, and the things that I need to be told. I can't wait to find out who sent me this... I need to hug her. 

I have said before that the reason I have started to tell people about my infertility is so that others can also pray for me. I felt like I was so alone in the process. My husband was here, just as emotional, and just as involved as I was, but together, we would fall apart if we kept it in. When we started to tell people we were met with an overwhelming amount of support. I have felt more uplifted lately. I am not as stressed, and my heart feels happy again.

I feel hopeful.

That is important to me. We have said before, that if by June I am not pregnant, we will start looking into fostering children. This never really hit me until after I began asking for prayers. This option is a very awesome one to have. If God doesn't place a child in me, then we can save a child from a life of abuse or neglect. We have a lot of love to give, and it doesn't matter if the child is from me, we will be able to show love equally to any child.

It is funny how we make plans for oursleves. We don't always make plans according to God's will. We often times don't even pray about the plans we make before heading at a fast pace towards our goals. So why do we do this? Why do we make our own plans when we know that if it is not God's will, it isn't the right path for our lives? I don't think that any Christian would claim to know more than the creator of our universe, but our actions would show otherwise.

So yes, I want to be pregnant. I want to feel my child, that my husband and I created with love inside of me, I want the intimate time of breast feeding, and I want a child to look like my precious husband. However, if it doesn't happen, I know that God has bigger plans for me. This is not to say that I won't do everything in my power to have my own child-I will. I will use the technology available to me to hopefully create a child, but if it doesn't happen, I know that I am meant for something different, something bigger because my God knows me by name and hears my prayers. He knows my needs, my wants, and what is best for me. So I will take comfort in the Lord.

Does this mean I am not a woman?

Once in my senior year English class, I walked in to see this written on the dry erase board:

"What are women good for?

The three C's:

Cooking

Cleaning

Childbearing"

It was no doubt written by a silly teenage boy.

Those of you who know me well know that I am a bit sexist by nature. I believe that men should be in control of the household. I am a firm believer in gender roles, such as men should provide money for his family, and women should cook, clean, and take care of the children.

While I realize that this is a very unpopular belief now, I still feel strongly about it for me. I don't think there is anything wrong with women working, or men not working. I understand that there are different circumstances for each family. This is just how I feel our roles should be, in my family.

 

I often have thoughts, that because of my infertility, because I can't have children, that I am not a very good woman. My husband, of course, is very supportive. He is always saying that we can just adopt, it isn't a big deal. And, while I agree that adoption is definitely an option, it makes me sad that I can't make babies that look like that handsome husband of mine.

Being a woman, I am supposed to be able to have children.

 So, why can't I?

People often ask Greg and I, "So, when are you guys going to have kids?" It is funny to me. I used to think of it that way too. Like it is an on and off switch.. When we first got married, I took birth control. We were both in school, not making much money, and we didn't feel ready to have kids yet. So now that I have turned the switch on, I expect babies, and nothing. Well Geez! If I had known that my on switch was broken, I could have saved a lot of money on birth control!

Many women do struggle with infertility. In our moments of weakness we feel alone, like we are the only ones out there struggling. We feel ashamed that we can't give our husband's what they want. We feel angry with God, and with women who have children and don't deserve them. But, I think the biggest thing that we feel is insecurity. Is there a reason God doesn't think I am ready for children yet? Does my husband love me less because of it? Are my parents and inlaws ashamed of me? Does this mean, that I am not a proper woman?

Those 'helpful' little words

Once, at church, a woman told me that infertile couples are infertile because they have sexual infidelity in their relationship. When she told me this, I didn't know what to say. I mean, I knew it wasn't true, but was she just trying to be nasty, or did she think that would help?
There are a lot of things that people just generally say to women struggling with infertility, some of them are helpful, and encouraging, some are painful and discouraging.

 "Stop stressing and it will happen!"
I am positive this one is meant to be loving. When people say this they are trying to encourage you to "Let go and let God". It goes right along with the "My aunt couldn't have kids, so she adopted, and got pregnant right away" line. The problem with this is that it does cause pain. I hate hearing that the reason I can't have a baby is my fault. It may be true, it may be my fault, but I would like to sit in my happy bubble and imagine that it is something entirely health related that I can not control.

 "If it is meant to happen, it will happen"
I have found many differing views on this one. I, being a believer in things happening for a reason, love it. If it isn't meant to happen, it won't. However, that doesn't mean that I am not going to try everything in my power to make it happen. I think people understand that though, and I don't find this line in any way negative or offensive.

"You're still too young to have children! Wait it out a bit, enjoy life"
While I am sure that I will find this great advice in hindsight, my husband and I have made the choice to try to have children. We feel that we are ready. We are at a great time in our lives, and we want to share the joy with children. I am under no illusion that it will be easy, or even always fun. I understand that being responsible for others' lives will be stressful at times. I am willing, and excited to make that sacrifice.

"Well, we are praying for you"
This one is my favorite. I know that without God's blessing, I will not be pregnant. The reason I finally stopped keeping my infertility a secret was because I knew that the more prayer warriors I had out there praying for me, the more secure I would feel, and the more likely the prayers would 'do their job'.

I don't think that anybody actually means to be negative about infertility. I am sure that even the woman at church thought that what she was saying was helpful. I wrote this in hopes that before you say anything to that infertile couple in your life, you think about what would be comforting for you to hear if you were put in this unfortunate situation.

Day 28

Anyone struggling with infertility probably has a love/hate relationship with day 28.

Day 28 is the day we either start a new cycle, or find out we are pregnant. Today is day 28. My update is severe cramping and knowing that I will start soon, therefore, I am not pregnant. It occurred to me this morning, while cuddling with my sweet husband and apologizing for not being able to make him a daddy, that we started trying around August of 2010. That makes about 17 months of no birth control and not being able to become pregnant.

This is the first cycle that I have tried Clomid. Clomid is medicine that is used to induce ovulation. The only thing we know that is wrong with me, is that I do not ovulate. Clomid does have a good reputation in aiding with pregnancy. I have heard success stories left and right. Yet, I have little hope that it will work for me.

Waking up this morning with cramps was the worst feeling. Knowing that today, the dreaded day 28, came with cramps and bloating is incredibly depressing.

Please, pray for answers, and for peace for my husband and I. Often when watching the news I feel angry with God that He lets such horrible people have children only to hurt them or kill them. I ask that you will pray that I can more easily accept His plan, rather than getting angry about not understanding it.