"What are women good for?
The three C's:
Cooking
Cleaning
Childbearing"
It was no doubt written by a silly teenage boy.
Those of you who know me well know that I am a bit sexist by nature. I believe that men should be in control of the household. I am a firm believer in gender roles, such as men should provide money for his family, and women should cook, clean, and take care of the children.
While I realize that this is a very unpopular belief now, I still feel strongly about it for me. I don't think there is anything wrong with women working, or men not working. I understand that there are different circumstances for each family. This is just how I feel our roles should be, in my family.
I often have thoughts, that because of my infertility, because I can't have children, that I am not a very good woman. My husband, of course, is very supportive. He is always saying that we can just adopt, it isn't a big deal. And, while I agree that adoption is definitely an option, it makes me sad that I can't make babies that look like that handsome husband of mine.
Being a woman, I am supposed to be able to have children.
So, why can't I?
People often ask Greg and I, "So, when are you guys going to have kids?" It is funny to me. I used to think of it that way too. Like it is an on and off switch.. When we first got married, I took birth control. We were both in school, not making much money, and we didn't feel ready to have kids yet. So now that I have turned the switch on, I expect babies, and nothing. Well Geez! If I had known that my on switch was broken, I could have saved a lot of money on birth control!
Many women do struggle with infertility. In our moments of weakness we feel alone, like we are the only ones out there struggling. We feel ashamed that we can't give our husband's what they want. We feel angry with God, and with women who have children and don't deserve them. But, I think the biggest thing that we feel is insecurity. Is there a reason God doesn't think I am ready for children yet? Does my husband love me less because of it? Are my parents and inlaws ashamed of me? Does this mean, that I am not a proper woman?
I am so sorry that you are going through this, I can relate to everything that you have written because I have been somewhere like that lately. I don't have the answers to anything, all I can say is you can either let this destroy you, or you can become a stronger person from it. Either way, you don't deserve to be going through this. I hope that something I said here will help you just a bit. Vent often, it helps!
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way. I also had the same thought about - had I known I couldn't have kids, I would have saved a TON of money on birth control. My husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for 4. I was on birth control for probably the first year. We have yet to become pregnant. It's SOOOO frustrating. Calculating ovulation, taking my temp, waiting. One month I was over 2 weeks late. I thought for SURE it finally happened. 18 negative home pregnancy tests and 2-3 negative ones from the Dr, then I started my cycle. I was hoping it was just spotting or implantation bleeding because it was much lighter. We went to see a fertility specialist and her first thought was that I'm not ovulating. I still have SOO many questions about that one. How could I have my period for 15 years if I'm not ovulating?? The next test for that Dr is $300 and we don't have the money to spend on that right now. And, you're right. It feels like you're totally alone. EVERYONE around me is having children. 4 of my friends have just had their 3rd or are pregnant with their 3rd. Is it wrong of me to feel resentment? Sure, I'm happy that they're expanding their families and can bring life into the world, but part of me feels they're being greedy! I just want ONE. Knowing it's taken this long and we're still without a child, I'd be MORE than happy with one child.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for rambling and possibly sharing too much info. It's always nice to hear you're not alone.
Mrs. M,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your encouragement. It is difficult, but I have decided to take the optimistic view, sometimes though, I still fail miserably at that.
I still fail at it too (being optimistic)... but I am trying. Sometimes faking it eventually leads to you actually feeling it!! HAHA!
DeleteI have had all of those questions run through my head that you listed... not being a woman, not being good enough, my in-laws being ashamed of me, my husband not being happy with me. I completely understand what you are feeling. I wrote a lot of it out in my blog if you are interested.
Please message me if you ever need to talk, I am here for you!
Jennifer,
ReplyDeleteKeep your head up. It is difficult with everyone around you getting pregnant. It is difficult to simply be happy for them when they had no struggle to get there. But, keep in mind that they are excited, and don't let your resentment get in the way of that excitement.
I am always here to talk, I get what you are going through. It is so hard to keep a happy face when you are told what days to have sex! I understand. Best of luck to you and you are in my prayers.
you are in my prayers too Jennifer! I understand how hard it is to have it sprung on you that you aren't ovulating when you have had periods. I also know how it is to see people have babies all around you with no issue (especially when they are the worst parents ever), and to go through so many struggles to even get there. I tried to get pregnant for years after dealing with PCOS and insulin resistance, went through testing and clomid... finally got pregnant with twins this past summer and lost them at 17 weeks right before Thanksgiving. The thing is, I am finally going back to work next week and there were 2 other women at work pregnant with me and they will be having their babies soon and I am struggling with my loss still. The worst part is I was told that what happened to me will most likely happen again. Life is never fair.
DeleteThank you so much to both of you! I'm definitely not letting resentment get in the way of their excitement. I am so happy for them. At the same time, it's just frustrating.
DeleteI'm so sorry for your loss and what you're going through, too, Mrs. M. I can't even imagine losing twins after 17 weeks.
If either of you want to talk, I'm here as well. jenn.hendrickson@mac.com is my email. I am in GA with my husband's family so I don't have many friends to talk to (not to mention the friends I have from Albany where I grew up, all have kids!). At the risk of sounding needy and pathetic, I'd love to email back and forth :) - if not just to find new friendships. ..even if it's not all about infertility.